"I felt like I would never be free from him"
Trigger warning for psychological, emotional and physical abuse.
Sarah started dating Sean when she was 16. The relationship lasted for two and a half years, but a year and a half into the relationship she wanted to leave - it took another year till she felt safe enough to end the relationship.
Sarah's story
There weren’t many attractive boys in my school and Sean was the best of a bad bunch. I was attracted to his strong body and popularity. He was known at school for getting into fights and this should’ve been a warning sign to me, but that excitement fuelled my attraction to him. For the first 6 months we dated we only saw each other at school and at parties. But once we slept together we became really close. He bought me a gold signet ring which I thought was really sweet.
After about a year and a half into our relationship the cracks started to appear. He would get very upset if I was late to meet him and thought this meant I didn’t care about him. He would question me every time I would spend time with my family as he couldn’t understand why anyone would do this - he didn’t get on with his mum and brother. When we went out, he would always be watching me especially when I was talking to his friends. Further into the relationship this developed into ‘why are you flirting with my friends? He started telling me what to wear and kept reminding me that only “slappers wore short skirts”. He bought me a knee-length dress that also had a high neck. One day he found my diary and said he was going to read it, so I grabbed it off him, ran outside and hid it in the bins.
I think the first time he hit me was on a night out when we were both drunk. Quite often we would have an argument about my so-called flirting and then I would tell him to piss off, as I turned to walk away I felt a knock to the back of my head. This happened quite a few times before he was hitting me in the face and eventually I would hit him back, which lead to him hitting me again.
I became a different person when I was with him, less out-going and more agreeable. Whenever I told Sean it was over he would say I was being a bitch and would follow me home from school and not leave my house until I’d said ‘sorry’. At one point I felt like I would never be free from him. I didn’t tell my family what was going on because I felt ashamed of myself that I was still in this relationship. I told a friend at school about his violence and she didn’t believe me, so I thought no one would, but then months later one of my teachers saw us arguing and asked me if he was violent and I said ‘yes’. I decided to wait until we both went to University which was only a few months away by this time, and then I wrote him a letter telling him I never wanted to see him again.
What do you wish you knew about abuse before the relationship?
I wish I'd known more about coercive control.
What advice do you have for anyone who is in an abusive relationship?
Don't be ashamed to tell someone who can help you. Do not feel sorry for your abuser. Think about how this will affect you long term, even after the relationship has ended.
What advice do you have for friends and family who suspect their loved one is in an abusive relationship?
Intervene, tell them there are ways out of it. These relationships don't just affect you at the time, they affect your future relationships and how you feel about men. On the positive side I know this will never happen to me again because I'm too aware of all the warning signs, but I fear for women/people who aren't.
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All forms of domestic abuse are not acceptable in any situation.
If you or someone you care about is experiencing abuse by a partner or ex-partner it’s important to remember that it’s not your fault and there is no shame in seeking help.
In the UK, free, confidential support and advice is available to victims and concerned family or friends, 24 hours a day. Visit our Seeking Help page for a list of services.
